Troy…or not

“By the Gods!” snapped Helen, standing resplendent in the middle of the battlefield, “will noone ask me whether I want to go back or not? Well obviously, even though I’m the one being fought over, no one even tries to ask my opinion of it!”

The two rival armies had come to a halt on either side of the legendary beauty, gaping at her in amazement. Menelaus was standing at the head of his army, holding and unsheathed sword, with his mouth hanging open, looking utterly stupid, as his slow brain tried to figure out why his wife was behaving like that. From the time he had known her, she had always been so meek and obedient, always listening to him an giving him whatever he asked for. Now she was a veritable lioness, standing there roaring away loudly enough to scare the hair off a man.

Now that she had grabbed everyone’s attention, Helen cleared her throat and continued none too mildly –

“I don’t know why you bunch of idiots seem to enjoy going to war like that, but I am NOT allowing this to happen. Paris only did what he did because I asked him to, not because he wanted to elope with me. Isn’t that right sweetie?”

Paris nodded meekly. He too had been fooled into believing this lioness was a bird of paradise. She had cajoled him so sweetly! But now… now she was so intimidating… He never knew when she would bite his head off. She’d even managed to make Hector wet his skirt.

Helen planted her hands on her hips and turned on Menelaus, who immediately shrank within his cloak. Agamemnon and Achilles, who had been flanking him on either side, melted into the rest of crowd with Agamemnon looking like he was about to cry and Achilles looking sullen.

“I only asked Paris to bring me here because I wanted a holiday” Helen said loftily. Menelaus didn’t argue. If Helen wanted a holiday, Helen wanted a holiday. “Well that and the fact that you were sleeping with my maid. I just couldn’t stand that. If you’re willing to take that back, we can pack up right now and go home.”

Before Menelaus could protest, Achilles whined, “But what about the war? We’re supposed to be heroes and all that, and I want my bit of the limelight! I want to be known in history too y’know! You already have your place made! Helen turned a steely eye upon him at that moment, reducing him to an incoherent blabbering idiot.

“That can be arranged, she said coldly, flicking a non existent speck of dust from her shoulder. “Now pack up! I want to be home for dinner time,” she continued briskly, clapping her hands and making shooing motions in the directions of the soldiers. The men didn’t dare say a word and scurried away to obey her. Within the next two hours, the armies were emptied of Troy, and life returned to normal.

Back home, Helen commissioned Homer to write the story of the war of Troy, as it should have happened, with the details being supplied by her. Achilles was delighted, but Paris was a little indignant about being made the scapegoat, till he learnt that for a time in the manuscript he would also get to be Helen’s boyfriend. That cheered him up immensely. And all was well that ended well…