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Daily Deviation
Daily Deviation
December 24, 2009
Troy...or not by =Calyptra is a delightfully humorous take on a well known subject.
Featured by LadyLincoln
Literature Text
Troy…or not
“By the Gods!” snapped Helen, standing resplendent in the middle of the battlefield, “will noone ask me whether I want to go back or not? Even though I’m the one being fought over, no one even tries to ask my opinion about it!”
The two rival armies had come to a halt on either side of the legendary beauty, gaping at her in amazement. Menelaus was standing at the head of his army, holding an unsheathed sword, with his mouth hanging open, looking utterly stupid, as his slow brain tried to figure out why his wife was behaving like that. From the time he had known her, she had always been so meek and obedient, always listening to him and giving him whatever he asked for. Now she was a veritable lioness, standing there roaring away loudly enough to scare the hair off a man.
Now that she had grabbed everyone’s attention, Helen cleared her throat and continued none too mildly –
“I don’t know why you bunch of idiots seem to enjoy going to war like that, but I am NOT allowing this to happen. Paris only did what he did because I asked him to, not because he wanted to elope with me. Isn’t that right sweetie?”
Paris nodded meekly. He too had been fooled into believing this lioness was a bird of paradise. She had cajoled him so sweetly! But now… now she was so intimidating… He never knew when she would bite his head off. She’d even managed to make Hector wet his skirt.
Helen planted her hands on her hips and turned on Menelaus, who immediately shrank within his cloak. Agamemnon and Achilles, who had been flanking him, melted into the rest of crowd with Agamemnon looking like he was about to cry and Achilles looking sullen.
“I only asked Paris to bring me here because I wanted a holiday,” Helen said loftily. Menelaus didn’t argue. If Helen wanted a holiday, Helen got a holiday. “And the fact that you were sleeping with my maid. I just couldn’t stand that. If you’re willing to take that back, we can pack up right now and go home.”
Before Menelaus could protest, Achilles whined, “But what about the war? We’re supposed to be heroes and all that, and I want my bit of the limelight! I want to be known in history too y’know! You already have your place made!" Helen turned a steely eye upon him at that moment, reducing him to an incoherent blabbering idiot.
“That can be arranged, she said coldly, flicking a nonexistent speck of dust from her shoulder. “Now pack up! I want to be home by dinner time,” she continued briskly, clapping her hands and making shooing motions in the directions of the soldiers. The men didn’t dare say a word and scurried away to obey her. Within the next two hours, Troy was emptied of armies, and life returned to normal.
Back home, Helen commissioned Homer to write the story of the war of Troy, as it should have happened, with the details being supplied by her. Achilles was delighted, but Paris was a little indignant about being made the scapegoat, till he learnt that for a time in the manuscript he would also get to be Helen’s boyfriend. That cheered him up immensely. And all was well that ended well…
“By the Gods!” snapped Helen, standing resplendent in the middle of the battlefield, “will noone ask me whether I want to go back or not? Even though I’m the one being fought over, no one even tries to ask my opinion about it!”
The two rival armies had come to a halt on either side of the legendary beauty, gaping at her in amazement. Menelaus was standing at the head of his army, holding an unsheathed sword, with his mouth hanging open, looking utterly stupid, as his slow brain tried to figure out why his wife was behaving like that. From the time he had known her, she had always been so meek and obedient, always listening to him and giving him whatever he asked for. Now she was a veritable lioness, standing there roaring away loudly enough to scare the hair off a man.
Now that she had grabbed everyone’s attention, Helen cleared her throat and continued none too mildly –
“I don’t know why you bunch of idiots seem to enjoy going to war like that, but I am NOT allowing this to happen. Paris only did what he did because I asked him to, not because he wanted to elope with me. Isn’t that right sweetie?”
Paris nodded meekly. He too had been fooled into believing this lioness was a bird of paradise. She had cajoled him so sweetly! But now… now she was so intimidating… He never knew when she would bite his head off. She’d even managed to make Hector wet his skirt.
Helen planted her hands on her hips and turned on Menelaus, who immediately shrank within his cloak. Agamemnon and Achilles, who had been flanking him, melted into the rest of crowd with Agamemnon looking like he was about to cry and Achilles looking sullen.
“I only asked Paris to bring me here because I wanted a holiday,” Helen said loftily. Menelaus didn’t argue. If Helen wanted a holiday, Helen got a holiday. “And the fact that you were sleeping with my maid. I just couldn’t stand that. If you’re willing to take that back, we can pack up right now and go home.”
Before Menelaus could protest, Achilles whined, “But what about the war? We’re supposed to be heroes and all that, and I want my bit of the limelight! I want to be known in history too y’know! You already have your place made!" Helen turned a steely eye upon him at that moment, reducing him to an incoherent blabbering idiot.
“That can be arranged, she said coldly, flicking a nonexistent speck of dust from her shoulder. “Now pack up! I want to be home by dinner time,” she continued briskly, clapping her hands and making shooing motions in the directions of the soldiers. The men didn’t dare say a word and scurried away to obey her. Within the next two hours, Troy was emptied of armies, and life returned to normal.
Back home, Helen commissioned Homer to write the story of the war of Troy, as it should have happened, with the details being supplied by her. Achilles was delighted, but Paris was a little indignant about being made the scapegoat, till he learnt that for a time in the manuscript he would also get to be Helen’s boyfriend. That cheered him up immensely. And all was well that ended well…
Literature
Lindor's Luminaries 1
My lady?
I opened my eyes and immediately shut them again, blinded by sunlight through leaves. I groaned and rubbed the back of my head, which seemed to be pillowed on something velvet.
She lives! the voice called.
Slowly, the realization of what I had seen and felt seeped through to my sleepy mind. Leaves? Velvet? I suddenly noticed that I seemed to be wearing a corset.
Where am I? I muttered, slitting my eyes open.
The silhouette of a head came into view. As my eyes adjusted to the light, I realized that it belonged to a man with curly brown
Literature
Born Afar
We would be
dark.
Matter of fact.
I'd turn into Penelope.
Pen-e-lope, like cantelope;
she was ripe, over ripe perhaps,
withered with the waiting years,
Penny parched from rolling tears-
enough to swim him home.
If he was water you are stone.
Sandstone. Solid. Something -
young boys need to cling to, something -
a bow to fit the string to, something.
That's not me but it's something.
You would be
warm,
weighted and one.
Entirely a second son,
a second son and quite undone,
Stay. Smile upon my
wasted weaving fingertips,
shun your father's treasure ship
and hold me close, alone.
Literature
My Muse Went On Vacation
My muse went on vacation
and took all my best thoughts
and all my favorite phrases,
and the bunnies with their plots,
she ran off with all the fluff stuff,
she ran off with the hero's sword--
she left me sitting here alone,
bemused and rather bored.
My muse went on vacation
To a sunny foreign clime,
and left me sitting here alone
without a word to rhyme,
She's laying on a beach somewhere
without a hint of snow,
and leaving me with winter's chill
and no place left to go.
My muse went on vacation -
I hope she's coming back
With a healthy tan, a rosy glow
and some fresh stuff to attack--
I miss her interaction,
how she drov
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This is my one of my prize winning pieces! WE were supposed to pick up one of the topics and change the storyline, or the ending (I ended up doing both) and I secured the first position! I quite enjoyed writing this, and I did it in 45 minutes Critique is welcome!
EDIT: Ok! For all new people reading this: The piece was written in a time constraint, therefore it doesn't sound as lucid as it could. I understand that. There are changes I will be making to the piece later. Also, when I wrote it originally I had to end it there. So if it isn't long enough or doesn't describe enough, you know why!
Comments and critique are always welcome, but do remember that the original piece is the way it is because of the circumstances.
Thank you!
And thank you to `LadyLincoln for the DD <3
EDIT: Ok! For all new people reading this: The piece was written in a time constraint, therefore it doesn't sound as lucid as it could. I understand that. There are changes I will be making to the piece later. Also, when I wrote it originally I had to end it there. So if it isn't long enough or doesn't describe enough, you know why!
Comments and critique are always welcome, but do remember that the original piece is the way it is because of the circumstances.
Thank you!
And thank you to `LadyLincoln for the DD <3
© 2008 - 2024 Calyptra
Comments132
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First off, I have to say that this is an incredibly original, creative, clever, and humorous piece. Ingenious, really. However, there are a few critiques to be made:
"By the gods" isn't really a time period accurate expletive. ‘Ye gods’ wouldn’t be accurate either; however it may offer a more accurate sounding option.
You could also add a bit more ‘showing’ versus ‘telling’. What exactly Helen is doing – besides not being a quiet, passive, good wife (which probably was pretty shocking back then…<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/w/w…" width="15" height="15" alt="" title=" (Wink)" /> – to be considered intimidating, versus plain ol’ “out of line”.
There are also a few spelling and grammatical errors. “No one” is two words, “…melted into the rest of (the) crowd,” etc.
Anywho. I loved this. With a little reworking it could be a masterpiece. Good work, Calyptra!